everything happens for a reason
so i didnt get into georgetown. i have to admit that i am not really surprised. i knew it once i called to check and i heard the tone of voice of the guy who was helping me. so, while it is not surprising, it is still disappointing.
i have decided though that everything happens for a reason and that i should just go to the IWP. i mean, i stumbled across this school which has really interesting classes that really interest me, and i was accepted. maybe it was a sign. i was so excited at first, and then i got less excited as i began to explore. but i remember that i wasnt totally excited about going to UCSB int he beginning, and I ended up loving it. so, i am going to take it as it comes, and enjoy my new school.
so, now that i have no doubt about the school i am going to, i am doubting my ability as a graduate student. i think i will be fine, but i dont know. what if i start school, cant cut it, and have to drop out? how disappointing would that be to both myself, my parents, and my grandparents. Failure is just not an option. I hope it doesnt happen.
i keep telling myself to have faith, and i hope it soon works.
tutto accade per un motivo
Monday, November 26, 2007
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Molte Domande
Many Questions.
My life is changing. I am changing. I think it is mostly for the good, but who knows until it happens.
I am flying to DC on the 13th, and I will be living in a hotel for the week while I search for housing. I dont know if it is stupid or brave to assume I will be able to find what I want within that week. I think I have found a place to live, but it is ridiculously expensive. Plus, it is close to Georgetown, but what if I dont get in? Will I hate walking being by the university that I didnt get into if in fact I dont get in? And, is it really worth it? It is twice as expensive as my most expensive apartment in college. That is just insane. Yet, it seems nice, my possible roommate seems nice, it is fairly close to a metro stop, it is in Georgetown which is a great place to live, and there is good shopping nearby. Am I just looking for complications? I really dont know. I guess we will just have to wait and see.
And then there are boys. Last night I went out with Melissa, Justin, and Bean. We met up with Nav, Eric, and Neil for Eric's 21st Birthday. It was fun, but my favorite part was when we were at J Bar. I guess the reason I liked it so much us because everyone was absolutely hysterical while drunk. Justin just really cracks me up. And then there was the fact that I got to share a chair. It was cute and fun. Up close and personal, butterflies in the stomach, haha. Im such a nerd. At any rate, it was fun. Yet, I am still too shy to ever do anything. At one point in the night Eric and Nav passed a "secret" that it looke like he was putting the moves on me because of the way we were sitting, but I dont know if either one of us even know how to make the moves.
Which leads me to another issue...sex. I hate not knowing. I want to just lose it already, but I cant because I have already waited this long. But on one hand I hear of Dano with multiple guys, and on the other I hear Justin talking about how he has "sex songs" and arguing with Bean about which songs are better for that something else. I wonder if they know Im a big fat V. My guess is that they dont, but who knows. Anyway, it amazes me that people like Neil have had it, and I havent. It also depresses me. I wonder why? Why am I so picky and why am I never the one chosen? Talk about frustrating.
Ugh, I guess i am done for now since i am tired of typing.
So many questions running in my mind.
Molte Domande
My life is changing. I am changing. I think it is mostly for the good, but who knows until it happens.
I am flying to DC on the 13th, and I will be living in a hotel for the week while I search for housing. I dont know if it is stupid or brave to assume I will be able to find what I want within that week. I think I have found a place to live, but it is ridiculously expensive. Plus, it is close to Georgetown, but what if I dont get in? Will I hate walking being by the university that I didnt get into if in fact I dont get in? And, is it really worth it? It is twice as expensive as my most expensive apartment in college. That is just insane. Yet, it seems nice, my possible roommate seems nice, it is fairly close to a metro stop, it is in Georgetown which is a great place to live, and there is good shopping nearby. Am I just looking for complications? I really dont know. I guess we will just have to wait and see.
And then there are boys. Last night I went out with Melissa, Justin, and Bean. We met up with Nav, Eric, and Neil for Eric's 21st Birthday. It was fun, but my favorite part was when we were at J Bar. I guess the reason I liked it so much us because everyone was absolutely hysterical while drunk. Justin just really cracks me up. And then there was the fact that I got to share a chair. It was cute and fun. Up close and personal, butterflies in the stomach, haha. Im such a nerd. At any rate, it was fun. Yet, I am still too shy to ever do anything. At one point in the night Eric and Nav passed a "secret" that it looke like he was putting the moves on me because of the way we were sitting, but I dont know if either one of us even know how to make the moves.
Which leads me to another issue...sex. I hate not knowing. I want to just lose it already, but I cant because I have already waited this long. But on one hand I hear of Dano with multiple guys, and on the other I hear Justin talking about how he has "sex songs" and arguing with Bean about which songs are better for that something else. I wonder if they know Im a big fat V. My guess is that they dont, but who knows. Anyway, it amazes me that people like Neil have had it, and I havent. It also depresses me. I wonder why? Why am I so picky and why am I never the one chosen? Talk about frustrating.
Ugh, I guess i am done for now since i am tired of typing.
So many questions running in my mind.
Molte Domande
Thursday, October 25, 2007
molti fuochi
many fires.
living in san diego is supposed to be a dream. people forget however, that mother nature has the final say. while many people just think of the beach, the sun, and the weather when the think of san diego, they should also remember earthquakes, and our most recent tragedy, fire. one might think that after the fires in 2003, that lessons would have been learned and that the county as a whole would be better prepared. in some cases this was true, however in other areas it could have been much better than the actual situation turned out. the good is the fact that communication was much better this time around and that people were evacuated before the fire got there so if the house couldnt be saved, at least human lives could be. however, communication can also be improved between the government and the military. the military was ready to assist, and no one asked them to. we could have had their fire fighting copters and planes in the air on tuesday, but only the navy was asked. i want to know why. i also want to know why it took so long to get help. another thing that bothered me happened today. the good old president came to tour the area and make speeches about giving us aid. while he was making this speech, he has about 50-75 firemen standing behind him. i feel that they should either have been out there fighting the fire or resting after fighting the fires for however many hours they were out there. they did not need to be involved in the presidents photo op. that kind of thing is disrespectful to me, and i wish it hadnt been done. on another note, the fire did get scarily close to me. it was about 5 miles away at the closest point. the worst day was monday, and at one point, the sky got really orange and you just knew it wasnt going well. the fire was contained though, and our focus for fear switched to the big fire that as of yet, is just shy of burning 200,000 acres. over 500,000 people were evacuated, more than were evacuated cue to hurricane katrina. this has just been a huge disaster, and i hope that we can recover from it, because san diego is one of the best places in the world to live, regardless of the earthquakes and fires. :)
living in san diego is supposed to be a dream. people forget however, that mother nature has the final say. while many people just think of the beach, the sun, and the weather when the think of san diego, they should also remember earthquakes, and our most recent tragedy, fire. one might think that after the fires in 2003, that lessons would have been learned and that the county as a whole would be better prepared. in some cases this was true, however in other areas it could have been much better than the actual situation turned out. the good is the fact that communication was much better this time around and that people were evacuated before the fire got there so if the house couldnt be saved, at least human lives could be. however, communication can also be improved between the government and the military. the military was ready to assist, and no one asked them to. we could have had their fire fighting copters and planes in the air on tuesday, but only the navy was asked. i want to know why. i also want to know why it took so long to get help. another thing that bothered me happened today. the good old president came to tour the area and make speeches about giving us aid. while he was making this speech, he has about 50-75 firemen standing behind him. i feel that they should either have been out there fighting the fire or resting after fighting the fires for however many hours they were out there. they did not need to be involved in the presidents photo op. that kind of thing is disrespectful to me, and i wish it hadnt been done. on another note, the fire did get scarily close to me. it was about 5 miles away at the closest point. the worst day was monday, and at one point, the sky got really orange and you just knew it wasnt going well. the fire was contained though, and our focus for fear switched to the big fire that as of yet, is just shy of burning 200,000 acres. over 500,000 people were evacuated, more than were evacuated cue to hurricane katrina. this has just been a huge disaster, and i hope that we can recover from it, because san diego is one of the best places in the world to live, regardless of the earthquakes and fires. :)
Sunday, October 21, 2007
valori cambianti
changing values
As I "grow up" and face the world as it really is, my values have begun a slight twist...or have they?
An example of this is a friend who has recently cheated on her boyfriend. Some time ago, I would have immediately said that anyone who cheated on their significant other was a terrible person and doesnt deserve to be in a relationship. Yet, this is not at all how I feel about this situation. For one, this person is extremely important to me, so I could never think truly ill of her. For another, she is 22 and living on the other side of the country from her boyfriend who she has not seen since August. Are these excuses? No, not necessarily; but they are reasons. I was talking to her today about the situation, and she feels bad, but she doesnt know who to break it off with. She does not want to hurt the person she has been dating for over a year who she even lived with for a time, but she doesnt want lose what could possibly be a better thing as well- freedom while young. What to do? What is right and what is wrong in this situation? I think it depends on who is answering.
Ugh, changing thoughts, feelings, and values. And my mom wonders why I get more cynical every time I come home from school. Knowledge, knowledge has changed me.
Valori cambianti
As I "grow up" and face the world as it really is, my values have begun a slight twist...or have they?
An example of this is a friend who has recently cheated on her boyfriend. Some time ago, I would have immediately said that anyone who cheated on their significant other was a terrible person and doesnt deserve to be in a relationship. Yet, this is not at all how I feel about this situation. For one, this person is extremely important to me, so I could never think truly ill of her. For another, she is 22 and living on the other side of the country from her boyfriend who she has not seen since August. Are these excuses? No, not necessarily; but they are reasons. I was talking to her today about the situation, and she feels bad, but she doesnt know who to break it off with. She does not want to hurt the person she has been dating for over a year who she even lived with for a time, but she doesnt want lose what could possibly be a better thing as well- freedom while young. What to do? What is right and what is wrong in this situation? I think it depends on who is answering.
Ugh, changing thoughts, feelings, and values. And my mom wonders why I get more cynical every time I come home from school. Knowledge, knowledge has changed me.
Valori cambianti
Friday, October 12, 2007
non voglio per sempre essere un virgin
I dont want to be a virgin forever.
On Wednesday on Private Practice there was a woman who was 35 and still a virgin. I so dont want that to be me. However, what she was saying rang true to me. She didnt want to lose it to some band geek or loser in high school or college, and then she had waited so long, why not just save it. I understand those feelings and I tend to kind of agree with them. Which worries me. I do not want to be a virgin when I am 35. I am not planning on waiting until I am married, I just dont want to just give it up. Plus, I admit it, Im scared. I suppose its a natural feeling. But at the same time, I just dont want the virgin status anymore. Sigh. Its yet another thing I cant make up my mind about.
non voglio per sempre essere un virgin
On Wednesday on Private Practice there was a woman who was 35 and still a virgin. I so dont want that to be me. However, what she was saying rang true to me. She didnt want to lose it to some band geek or loser in high school or college, and then she had waited so long, why not just save it. I understand those feelings and I tend to kind of agree with them. Which worries me. I do not want to be a virgin when I am 35. I am not planning on waiting until I am married, I just dont want to just give it up. Plus, I admit it, Im scared. I suppose its a natural feeling. But at the same time, I just dont want the virgin status anymore. Sigh. Its yet another thing I cant make up my mind about.
non voglio per sempre essere un virgin
Monday, October 1, 2007
banchetto di amore
feast of love
so i saw the move "feast of love" today, and it was...interesting. It definitely was not what I was expecting at all.
There were some things especially that made me think.
It was rated R for sex and nudity, and I saw reviews beforehand about how there was full frontal nudity, but I still wasn't prepared for how much nudity and sex there was.
Its funny, but I also learned a lot about sex from this movie. I mean, I have read about "positions" in the novels I read, but I could never imagine them because I don't know. This movie, showed everything. I almost want to buy the movie just so I can watch those parts again and learn more, lol.
Then there is the fact that Diana and David were secret lovers; he was an adulterer, and she was cheating on her boyfriend, Bradley. Yet, I was rooting for them because they were perfect for each other. Why would I root for cheaters? I don't believe in cheating, yet I did for this movie. Then again, they ended up legitimately together by the end of the movie, with everyone happy. Still. Maybe it was because it was a movie that I was able to be somewhat okay with it, since I knew something could come about to fix it. Only in Hollywood.
And as corny as this sounds, I want my own feast of love. :-)
banchetto di amore
so i saw the move "feast of love" today, and it was...interesting. It definitely was not what I was expecting at all.
There were some things especially that made me think.
It was rated R for sex and nudity, and I saw reviews beforehand about how there was full frontal nudity, but I still wasn't prepared for how much nudity and sex there was.
Its funny, but I also learned a lot about sex from this movie. I mean, I have read about "positions" in the novels I read, but I could never imagine them because I don't know. This movie, showed everything. I almost want to buy the movie just so I can watch those parts again and learn more, lol.
Then there is the fact that Diana and David were secret lovers; he was an adulterer, and she was cheating on her boyfriend, Bradley. Yet, I was rooting for them because they were perfect for each other. Why would I root for cheaters? I don't believe in cheating, yet I did for this movie. Then again, they ended up legitimately together by the end of the movie, with everyone happy. Still. Maybe it was because it was a movie that I was able to be somewhat okay with it, since I knew something could come about to fix it. Only in Hollywood.
And as corny as this sounds, I want my own feast of love. :-)
banchetto di amore
Friday, September 28, 2007
Voglio la pioggia
I want the rain.
Today it is cloudy and looks like rain. I want it. I dont know what it is, but rain makes me feel cozy. Its good thinking weather too.
When I woke up this morning I realized how stressed I am. I carry all of my tension in my shoulders, and right now, it hurts to move them I am so tense.
And this is why I am tense...Im putting off turning in my Georgetown App so I can make it perfect, but I have little hope of getting in there anyway. I have all of these people tell me I am smart and I can get in wherever I apply, but I just dont feel that way. Apparently I do a great job of putting on an act bc no one realizes how insecure I really am. I am insecure about guys, school, finding a job, moving, etc. I feel like I am stuck in limbo, not growing up, but not slowing down enough to be able to fix it. And this is all my fault. If I moved to DC right now I would begin the next stage in my life. Yet I am so scared that I will screw it up that I havent done it. Same with the application. Im tired of thinking and worrying about this. I need something to happen to get my mind off of it.
At the same time as all of this, I have friends who are getting jobs and moving to other countries. I want that. I want to be doing something exciting. I remember last year, when I studied in Italy and DC. It was probably the best 6 months of my life. And a year later I am sitting at home all day every day. Im tired of the monotony, but unless I am the one to change it, nothing is going to happen.
Therefore it is all on me.
I can feel my shoulders getting more tense.
Voglio la pioggia
Today it is cloudy and looks like rain. I want it. I dont know what it is, but rain makes me feel cozy. Its good thinking weather too.
When I woke up this morning I realized how stressed I am. I carry all of my tension in my shoulders, and right now, it hurts to move them I am so tense.
And this is why I am tense...Im putting off turning in my Georgetown App so I can make it perfect, but I have little hope of getting in there anyway. I have all of these people tell me I am smart and I can get in wherever I apply, but I just dont feel that way. Apparently I do a great job of putting on an act bc no one realizes how insecure I really am. I am insecure about guys, school, finding a job, moving, etc. I feel like I am stuck in limbo, not growing up, but not slowing down enough to be able to fix it. And this is all my fault. If I moved to DC right now I would begin the next stage in my life. Yet I am so scared that I will screw it up that I havent done it. Same with the application. Im tired of thinking and worrying about this. I need something to happen to get my mind off of it.
At the same time as all of this, I have friends who are getting jobs and moving to other countries. I want that. I want to be doing something exciting. I remember last year, when I studied in Italy and DC. It was probably the best 6 months of my life. And a year later I am sitting at home all day every day. Im tired of the monotony, but unless I am the one to change it, nothing is going to happen.
Therefore it is all on me.
I can feel my shoulders getting more tense.
Voglio la pioggia
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
il mio stomaco è nei nodi
my stomach is in knots
I talked to dad last night about wanting to move to dc sooner rather than later, and he agreed. He agreed so much we are looking into plane tickets for next week. This is really freaking me out. I know I need to be out there to find housing and a job, but is it stupid to go out there without either? I was so excited last night, and then when I went to bed, I got seriously nervous with my stomach all tangled up in knots. I am so afraid of failing, and I feel like I am just setting myself up for it. i am seriously freaking out right now.
il mio stomaco è nei nodi
I talked to dad last night about wanting to move to dc sooner rather than later, and he agreed. He agreed so much we are looking into plane tickets for next week. This is really freaking me out. I know I need to be out there to find housing and a job, but is it stupid to go out there without either? I was so excited last night, and then when I went to bed, I got seriously nervous with my stomach all tangled up in knots. I am so afraid of failing, and I feel like I am just setting myself up for it. i am seriously freaking out right now.
il mio stomaco è nei nodi
Monday, September 17, 2007
è come ha saputo
Its like he knew...
So I tell Brian that mom is on her way home. He has been doing absolutely nothing all afternoon/evening since he got home. All of the sudden, once I told him that, he got out his stuff and it now looks like he has been doing something.
Now, I admit that I am not one to talk seeing as I do next to nothing all day every day.
But I don't deny that or try to hide it.
It just makes me laugh seeing as mom and I joke as to whether or not he is watching tv, sleeping, or on his computer. Now, he is pretending to actually have been doing something.
Whatever.
So I tell Brian that mom is on her way home. He has been doing absolutely nothing all afternoon/evening since he got home. All of the sudden, once I told him that, he got out his stuff and it now looks like he has been doing something.
Now, I admit that I am not one to talk seeing as I do next to nothing all day every day.
But I don't deny that or try to hide it.
It just makes me laugh seeing as mom and I joke as to whether or not he is watching tv, sleeping, or on his computer. Now, he is pretending to actually have been doing something.
Whatever.
mi domando...
I wonder...
This just about sums up my life right now.
I wonder if I made the right decision to defer
I wonder if/when I will move out to DC
I wonder why I wonder so much
I wonder if I will stay friends with everyone
I wonder if I will ever find someone of my own
I wonder if my expectations are just way too high
I wonder who I am disappointing now
I wonder if my parent's relationship with one another and their new partners has affected me
I wonder if I will ever be satisfied
I wonder if it is wrong to feel so happy for someone, yet jealous at the same time
I wonder what other people have that I dont
I wonder if all of these musings make me a terrible person
Mi domando...
This just about sums up my life right now.
I wonder if I made the right decision to defer
I wonder if/when I will move out to DC
I wonder why I wonder so much
I wonder if I will stay friends with everyone
I wonder if I will ever find someone of my own
I wonder if my expectations are just way too high
I wonder who I am disappointing now
I wonder if my parent's relationship with one another and their new partners has affected me
I wonder if I will ever be satisfied
I wonder if it is wrong to feel so happy for someone, yet jealous at the same time
I wonder what other people have that I dont
I wonder if all of these musings make me a terrible person
Mi domando...
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
sono spaventato
I am scared.
I do not know what I will be doing with my life for the next 4 months.
Im wondering now if it was stupid not to just go to grad school. Though I do still stand by my reasoning that I want to go somewhere I really want to go. Im just really freaking out with all of these empty months ahead of me.
My biggest fear is disappointing those I love and I am afraid that that is exactly what I am doing while I am floundering around.
So my question is this, do I move to DC without a job/internship on the line and go for it, or do I just stay here in SD and get a job to pass the time.
I really don't know anymore.
I am scared
I do not know what I will be doing with my life for the next 4 months.
Im wondering now if it was stupid not to just go to grad school. Though I do still stand by my reasoning that I want to go somewhere I really want to go. Im just really freaking out with all of these empty months ahead of me.
My biggest fear is disappointing those I love and I am afraid that that is exactly what I am doing while I am floundering around.
So my question is this, do I move to DC without a job/internship on the line and go for it, or do I just stay here in SD and get a job to pass the time.
I really don't know anymore.
I am scared
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
qualche volte odio il mio corpo
Sometimes I hate my body.
I know that every girl feels this way at times. But seriously, I hate it. Right now I have folliculitis...again...and it is gross and annoying. I also have atypical nevus, meaning there is a strong possibility I will get skin cancer. I have a broken foot that is due to my own stupidity. I have a ligament that I tore that still bothers me every now and then.
Then there is the fact that I am a coke bottle. Literally. I have the boobs and the waist and the hips. I find it ironic. This is the body type that so many people claim is perfect, yet no one design clothes for it! I can never find anything that fits me right, and it just gets annoying.
Sigh.
I have two secrets that i feel compelled to put into words as well, so here we go...
Ho una cotta per un sicuro qualcuno.
Ho comprato un libro di erotico.
Che cosa è errato con me?
I know that every girl feels this way at times. But seriously, I hate it. Right now I have folliculitis...again...and it is gross and annoying. I also have atypical nevus, meaning there is a strong possibility I will get skin cancer. I have a broken foot that is due to my own stupidity. I have a ligament that I tore that still bothers me every now and then.
Then there is the fact that I am a coke bottle. Literally. I have the boobs and the waist and the hips. I find it ironic. This is the body type that so many people claim is perfect, yet no one design clothes for it! I can never find anything that fits me right, and it just gets annoying.
Sigh.
I have two secrets that i feel compelled to put into words as well, so here we go...
Ho una cotta per un sicuro qualcuno.
Ho comprato un libro di erotico.
Che cosa è errato con me?
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Happy Birthday To Me?
So I am now 22. Woohoo.
Sadly, my birthday was nothing too exciting. The day before, Mom, Brian, and Eric came with me to an Angels game. That was pretty exciting, especially when we won. Our seats were not that great though, and while it was fun, I wish I had had a friend with me as well. On my actual birthday, I chopped off my hair to donate it to Locks of Love, and went to dinner at Benihana. And that was all she wrote. I kind of wish I could say I had a more eventful birthday, but I didn't. On Sunday some of my guy friends came over and we played some beer pong, but that only lasted a couple of hours. It was fun, dont get me wrong, but it kind of sucked at the same time becuase it was so boring. I got lots of bday wishes online on facebook, but there were couple that were conspicuously absent. The main ones would be those from Jess and Emily. I dont know why, but it kind of hurts that I didnt get any acknowledgement. I guess I just put too much in my friendships/relationships. This isnt news or anything, but it still sucks and I know I probably wont be changing. At any rate, the long post I was going to make just isnt there anymore, so I suppose thats all for now.
Sadly, my birthday was nothing too exciting. The day before, Mom, Brian, and Eric came with me to an Angels game. That was pretty exciting, especially when we won. Our seats were not that great though, and while it was fun, I wish I had had a friend with me as well. On my actual birthday, I chopped off my hair to donate it to Locks of Love, and went to dinner at Benihana. And that was all she wrote. I kind of wish I could say I had a more eventful birthday, but I didn't. On Sunday some of my guy friends came over and we played some beer pong, but that only lasted a couple of hours. It was fun, dont get me wrong, but it kind of sucked at the same time becuase it was so boring. I got lots of bday wishes online on facebook, but there were couple that were conspicuously absent. The main ones would be those from Jess and Emily. I dont know why, but it kind of hurts that I didnt get any acknowledgement. I guess I just put too much in my friendships/relationships. This isnt news or anything, but it still sucks and I know I probably wont be changing. At any rate, the long post I was going to make just isnt there anymore, so I suppose thats all for now.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Che Romanzesco
So on Saturday mom and I drove up to visit Nana and Grandpa Normie. On the way there we saw this banner: "Angela Adams, Stay mine forever. Marry me?" I got goosebumps. I am such a romantic at heart. I love to read the romance novels, as lame as some may see it to be. They just make me happy. I hope to some day have someone who loves me enough to do something crazy like that. I dont mean that I need him to profess his love in the sky, just something that gives me goosebumps.
However, is my love of romance novels and movies just setting me up to be disappointed for life? I wonder if my love for them has contributed to my standards and even made them unattainable. I want so much to love and be loved, yet I never seem to be satisfied. At times I wonder if there is anyone out there for me. I really have my doubts sometimes.
Still, I don't see myself changing my choices in books and movies any time soon. So, I guess I am either doomed to failure or absolute bliss. The future will tell.
However, is my love of romance novels and movies just setting me up to be disappointed for life? I wonder if my love for them has contributed to my standards and even made them unattainable. I want so much to love and be loved, yet I never seem to be satisfied. At times I wonder if there is anyone out there for me. I really have my doubts sometimes.
Still, I don't see myself changing my choices in books and movies any time soon. So, I guess I am either doomed to failure or absolute bliss. The future will tell.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Cabin Fever
I think that I am suffering from cabin fever. I keep getting antsy and angry and bored and nothing is making me happy. I am tired of being here, where I can't do anything. Part of it is my broken foot and the fact that I can't drive anywhere. The other is the fact that there is really next to nothing to do in San Marcos. Especially seeing as all my friends are either gone or working or in school. I just feel like there is absolutely nothing for me to do. Im not in the mood to do some homework, read, lay out, walk, anything. the things I want to do I can't: run, dance, swim, yell, scream. Sigh.
I loath feeling this self-pity, but I can't help how I feel. I think going to SF and DC was good because it gave me a break from the monotony, but bad because it made me even more itchy to get out. I love my mom, and it hasn't even been that bad living here for now in that respect, I just need to get out of the house.
So, do I give in and go to American just to go to school and get out of here? I can't. Its just not in me to do that. I need to do something though, because soon I think I will seriously freak out.
Sigh, I need to get out of here.
I loath feeling this self-pity, but I can't help how I feel. I think going to SF and DC was good because it gave me a break from the monotony, but bad because it made me even more itchy to get out. I love my mom, and it hasn't even been that bad living here for now in that respect, I just need to get out of the house.
So, do I give in and go to American just to go to school and get out of here? I can't. Its just not in me to do that. I need to do something though, because soon I think I will seriously freak out.
Sigh, I need to get out of here.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Decisions decisions...
So I have been to DC and back, and the trip was supposed to make all my decisions easier. Instead, I have more questions than answers. I went to the Institute of World Politics, and I met an admissions adviser, as well as the president of the university. The courses all look really interesting, but I am worried that the courses are more geared towards strategy and policy, and I am more interested in analysis. I am someone who likes to be in the background, and this school prepares you to be in the foreground. It isn't necessarily a bad thing to be able to be in the front while residing in the back, but I am worried that it will be too much stress for something I really don't want to do. Also, the school is so tiny, and not really well known. Part of the reason I want to go to grad school is to get a leg up in the industry and make connections. Going to a place that no one knows abut may not necessarily help me. Then there is that final. I know I shouldn't base whether or not I go to a school on the final exam, but it is still scary.
Then there is American. It is a great school, but is it really where I want to go? It is ranked in the top 3 of its kind of school, but do I want to go there only for the name? I am afraid that A) it will be a continuation of what I have already done, and B) that it has nothing to do with what I really want to do.
So, what do I want to do? I want to work in the intelligence industry. I do not want to be the one gathering the intelligence, I want to be the one who gets it, looks at it, and analyzes it. I have no desire to be a star, but I want to have an impact. I want to make a difference, as cliche as it sounds.
Sigh. So as seen, I have all of these questions and no answers... and I am not done yet.
I found a program at Georgetown University that seems geared exactly towards what I want to do. But, can I get into Georgetown? I really have my reservations. My GRE scores are no where near their average. Then again, it is only an average, and I have other good points. The school has the name, and the program, everything really... but is it an impossible dream?
Sigh, decisions, decisions...
Then there is American. It is a great school, but is it really where I want to go? It is ranked in the top 3 of its kind of school, but do I want to go there only for the name? I am afraid that A) it will be a continuation of what I have already done, and B) that it has nothing to do with what I really want to do.
So, what do I want to do? I want to work in the intelligence industry. I do not want to be the one gathering the intelligence, I want to be the one who gets it, looks at it, and analyzes it. I have no desire to be a star, but I want to have an impact. I want to make a difference, as cliche as it sounds.
Sigh. So as seen, I have all of these questions and no answers... and I am not done yet.
I found a program at Georgetown University that seems geared exactly towards what I want to do. But, can I get into Georgetown? I really have my reservations. My GRE scores are no where near their average. Then again, it is only an average, and I have other good points. The school has the name, and the program, everything really... but is it an impossible dream?
Sigh, decisions, decisions...
Saturday, July 14, 2007
One Night of Stars
Well, I have decided once again to try a journal. I am too impatient to write in an actual journal, so having my own space in the vastness of the internet seems to be the next best thing.
I chose the name "one night of stars" because I often stare up at the stars wishing and hoping. Therefore, it seems to make sense that my title be something somewhat romantic.
I chose the name "one night of stars" because I often stare up at the stars wishing and hoping. Therefore, it seems to make sense that my title be something somewhat romantic.
I am officially a graduate now of UCSB. I will never again call Isla Vista home. It is kind of sad, but exciting and scary at the same time. I am excited to be moving beyond that stage in my life, but sad that so many friendships will be dying. Then again, were they really friendships if moving across the country ended them so easily? Who knows. I find myself looking back on the past four years with mixed feelings. I wish I could say that it was all happy, but there were too many moments of sadness and frustration in there for that to be true. I can say though, that it was a learning experience, and that I would not change very much of what happened because there was so much good. All in all, college was more than I expected it to be, and therefore so much better than it could have been.
Looking forward though, I come to more questions than answers. I know that I will be going to Washington, DC for graduate school, but I do not know which school I will be attending, what masters degree I will be getting, where I will be living, who I will be living with, etc. I am excited though to be continuing my education. I know to some it seems like more school? But I can honestly say that I enjoy learning, especially when I know that it actually pertains to the world around us, and I do feel that my studies will fulfill this. Overall, I am truly excited, though a little scared as well. Then again, I suppose that is to be expected.
The one area in life in which I feel like I am lacking is the love life. This is because I don't have one. I don't know if it is me or just the guys I come into contact with. It is something I am going to try not to worry too much about though, because otherwise I will just become depressed. Sigh.
I suppose that is enough for now. So here is to a new journal and new journey's in the future.
Looking forward though, I come to more questions than answers. I know that I will be going to Washington, DC for graduate school, but I do not know which school I will be attending, what masters degree I will be getting, where I will be living, who I will be living with, etc. I am excited though to be continuing my education. I know to some it seems like more school? But I can honestly say that I enjoy learning, especially when I know that it actually pertains to the world around us, and I do feel that my studies will fulfill this. Overall, I am truly excited, though a little scared as well. Then again, I suppose that is to be expected.
The one area in life in which I feel like I am lacking is the love life. This is because I don't have one. I don't know if it is me or just the guys I come into contact with. It is something I am going to try not to worry too much about though, because otherwise I will just become depressed. Sigh.
I suppose that is enough for now. So here is to a new journal and new journey's in the future.
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