What Not To Do At Work: Cry

So why would I tear up at my desk at work?

First, I was feeling down as I walked back to my office after my daily 10am meeting. I was feeling a little worthless and wondering about my future and all the fun stuff that a woman in her late twenties worries about at her job.

When I got back to my desk, I called Kaiser. First, some background. When it comes to making appointments for my dermatologist, they open the schedule for a month at a time, and the month I need is never open when I'm at the dermatologist's office. So, they always put me on a list and call me when the schedule opens up for the month I'm supposed to come in for my next check. I do not have my cell phone at work, so I've told the dermatologist's office multiple times that if they are calling me, they need to call my work number. Unfortunately, the office called my cell phone this week, and when I got off work and got the message, it was after work hours and the office was closed. So I called this morning. When I called, they said they they were booked through the first half of December. I'm supposed to see the dermatologist in November.

Sigh.

The nurse noted that there is finally a new dermatologist at my facility, so hopefully some people will switch over to him/her. She also said that Dr. Lorek said clearly that he wanted to see me, so I need to call back in a month, and they will double book me or put me a in procedure slot or something. It's great that they'll fit me in, but it is beyond frustrating to go through this every time I need to make an appointment.  It's not enough that I'm a cancer patient, but I have to deal with this bureaucratic crap too?

After I hung up with the nurse I started tearing up. I don't know what it was, but something about this call was just the final straw for my morning. I ended up calling my mom because I needed to talk to someone. She made me feel better and didn't make me feel bad for having a pity-party. All things considered, it's been awhile since I've had a pity-party regarding my diagnosis, so maybe I was due. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm glad this day is almost over.

In any case, if you are going to have a mini-breakdown a work, it helps if your office is nowhere near another person's office, and it's good to get it over with quickly. Luckily, my office is in no-man's-land when compared to everyone else in my office suite, so I was good there. And while my tears may have lasted 5 minutes, no one came by until after I was already back to work, so it's all good.

Now I just have to wait until the end of October and cross my fingers that they'll fit me in. And hopefully that little breakdown will be my last for a while.

The Dreaded Phone Call

I remember chatting with a colleague earlier this year, and she couldn't believe that one of her friends was told she had cancer by her doctor over the phone. I reminded her that I was told over the phone, and asked how she would want the news delivered. When she thought about it more, she didn't really have an answer.

I would much rather have my doctor call me and tell me over the phone than call me and tell me I need to come in for a conversation That would just make me stress and worry. It might have been nice to get the news when I wasn't at work, but I think a phone call is still the way to go.

I mean let's be honest, there is no good way to get the news you have cancer. Whether via the phone or in person, it is news that is going to change your life. I think the best thing is to just get the news, and then work on the solution and the way forward, whatever it may be.

Not a Normal Day

A year ago today, August 21, a nice and sunny Tuesday, I was sitting at my desk when the phone rang. I looked over and saw it was Kaiser, and had a flutter of nerves. Thirty seconds later my life had irrevocably changed.

I had cancer.

I don't know how long it took to sink it, but I'm sure I made my dermatologist repeat things over and over again on that call. A lot of it is a blur when I think back to it. What I mainly remember is being told that they caught it super early, it was only .25mm thick/deep, and that the plastic surgeon's office would be calling within the hour to set up an appointment for later in the week. If they didn't call within the hour, I needed to call them.

I was numb. I took notes, but they didn't mean much at the time.

Less than an hour later, the plastic surgeon's office called and I had an appointment set for 2 days later. The next thing I remember doing is calling my mom and telling her. I waited to tell my dad until I got home. I don't think I got any more work done that day.

On my way home I remember sitting on the bus and having to hold back tears. All I could think was "cancer, cancer, cancer." I had my workout stuff with me, but there was no way I was going to the gym. I made it home, calmed myself, and called dad. I don't remember much of the conversations I had with either of my parents, other than one of them, maybe both them, mentioning that children shouldn't get cancer or major illnesses before their parents.

I don't remember anything else about that day, the day that started as a normal day and ended as one that would change the rest of my life.

One Year

The next month will be full of cancerversaries. Today's is the fact that a year ago today, August 15, I had a mole biopsied that turned out to be stage 1 melanoma. A year ago I didn't know the mole was cancerous. I just left my procedure thinking "there goes another one." It was something I was doing to placate my dermatologist, not because I was particularly concerned. Not anymore.

Sore

I was bad and took 2 weeks off of running.

Oops.

Now I'm paying for it. I went to the gym last night and ran 3.11 miles, and my legs are mad at me today. It's good though, because that means I worked my legs well. Or so I tell myself.

I have a 5k and a 10k in September and October respectively, so I've gotta get back to running consistently. The farthest I've run since Cherry Blossom is 5 miles, and recently I've been stopping at about 3-3.5 miles, so I need to up my milage over the next 2 months for the 6.2 miles on Oct 27. I think there's enough time to be able to run 6 miles consistently, and as it gets cooler it will be even easier. For now I'm happy that even with 2 weeks off, it wasn't too terribly bad running last night. Maybe that means my body is becoming a runner's body. Who knows. What I do know is that it's back to the gym tomorrow. Consistency is key, and now that I've had my 2 week summer break, it's time to get back to serious running.

Wish me luck.

Twenty-Eight

Eeek.

I'm no longer allowed to say I'm in my "mid-twenties." Sigh.

Ah well, it was fun while it lasted.

Anyway, I figure my 28th year can't start off any worse than my 27th, since I was told I had cancer a mere 10 days after my birthday last year. So already this year is looking better than the last. (Way to look on the bright side, right?) My actual birthday was relaxing and boring-sleeping in, running the dishwasher, laundry, reading, and then dinner with some friends topped off by home-made ice cream and a trip to Kramerbooks (a small, local bookstore I adore). I also spent some of my hard earned money on Saturday at Banana Republic buying a couple of the Issa dresses. You know Issa, the designer who designed the dress worn by Kate Middleton when she announced her engagement to Prince William? Yeah, he has a collection at BR, and I really like some of the fits. Plus, I can wear the dresses to work and out, so that's a bonus.

All in all it was a nice birthday weekend.

Another Day, Another Doctor Appointment

I had my most recent 3 month check-up yesterday, and the doctor said everything looked good and he doesn't see any moles he wants to remove. He's not too worried because the last 3 he biopsied were benign and I've been doing a good job of staying out of the sun. So now it's all good until my next appointment, sometime around Thanksgiving. Regarding my check-up schedule, the dermatologist said that I need to continue my 3 month check-ups for another year, then it will be every 6 months for 2 years, and then it will be an annual visit for the rest of my life. Unless another melanoma shows up and then the whole process starts over again. So fingers crossed everything stays normal.

Unexpected Visits

On Monday I got a facebook message from a friend who I have known since elementary school. He said he was going to be in town for a few days, and asked if we could hang out. I haven't seen him in years, so I was excited and nervous at the same time. The nerves are because I always worry about not having enough to talk about with those friends from high school who now live on the opposite side of the country from me. Plus, he drinks a bit too much for my taste, so I wanted to make sure that didn't mess up our time hanging out.

Anyway, we met up after work on Monday and wandered around Chinatown and the Mall. It was his first time in DC, so it was fun to show him a bit of the city I love. It was also fun to hang out and chat. He's a good guy, and we had a nice time. Overall, I'm glad he came and I'm glad we got time to be together. He was a good friend growing up, and it's nice to know he's still a good friend...even if we disagree on some things these days. :)

In related news, he got engaged during this past 4th of July. I'm super happy for him, and yes, I admit it, jealous and surprised. He did not have the best childhood, but he has found someone who he loves and who loves him and they work. I want that. Sigh. But I'm trying just to be happy for him. So yay for him.

Lastly, I have my next derm appointment on Wednesday. Wish me luck.