It's been awhile, but I just haven't felt like writing anything. Then I saw that today was World Cancer Day and I felt compelled to say something.
I still haven't told a lot of people that I am a cancer survivor. I just don't want to be "that cancer girl." I don't want cancer to define me. I am so much more than a mole that turned out to be cancerous.
I never posted my diagnosis on Facebook because it's not something I wanted to share with the world. It is something personal that I went through and that I continue to go through every time I notice a new mole or feel like one has changed. But I don't need the false sympathy from those who I haven't seen or spoken with in years, and I don't need the real sympathy from those who I know would care, but can't be here since I live on the other side of the country. Cancer will always be a part of my life, but I choose not to let it define my life. Part of that choice was in limiting who I told.
Anyway, World Cancer Day just made me think about all of this. I also saw something today about how we should be focusing more of our resources on prevention rather than just focusing on treatment. I'm on a kind of experimental preventative program with my aspirin-a-day deal, but that's based off of a correlation, not a cause and effect study. If there was something I could do that would ensure that I never get melanoma again, I would be right there. But there is nothing of that sort yet. Maybe one day there won't be a need for World Cancer Day. Until then, I'll keep my fingers crossed that I stay healthy and that a cure comes sooner rather than later.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Introverts
I've known for a while that I'm an introvert. I used to think that meant that I'm shy, which I am, but it really means that I draw my energy from being alone. In other words, sitting alone in my apartment with the tv on or a good book in my hand makes me happy and stores up reserves to be outgoing at a later time. Extroverts draw their energy and happiness from being around other people. I enjoy being with others, but it wears me out after a period of time because I feel like I have to be "on."
This weekend exhausted me. I went to an engagement party on Saturday afternoon where I didn't know anyone except the future bride and groom. Saturday night I spent with a friend. And then today I went to a brunch with a bunch of friends, most of whom I'm not particularly close with, but I wanted to be social and get to know them better. So I was "on" a lot.
And now I'm drained. All I want to do is lay on the couch and read with football or Big Bang Theory on in the background. I think I'm going to hang out with another friend instead, and I'm ok with that since we are just going to drink wine and watch The Blacklist, but I'm slightly worried that this week is going to be difficult since I haven't really had any "me" time this weekend. I guess we'll see though.
This weekend exhausted me. I went to an engagement party on Saturday afternoon where I didn't know anyone except the future bride and groom. Saturday night I spent with a friend. And then today I went to a brunch with a bunch of friends, most of whom I'm not particularly close with, but I wanted to be social and get to know them better. So I was "on" a lot.
And now I'm drained. All I want to do is lay on the couch and read with football or Big Bang Theory on in the background. I think I'm going to hang out with another friend instead, and I'm ok with that since we are just going to drink wine and watch The Blacklist, but I'm slightly worried that this week is going to be difficult since I haven't really had any "me" time this weekend. I guess we'll see though.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Incision Update
I saw my surgeon 2 weeks ago for my 1 year post-op check up. My main concern was the fact that my skin still hasn't flattened out. To fix that, my doctor said they could cut out the scar and make a new and longer incision. I said no thanks. I'd rather live with skin that isn't exactly smooth and flat than go through healing another incision that may not end up flat either. So that's that.
The problem now is that my incision still hasn't finished healing. My doctor looked at it and said that the main incision should look like my stitch marks, which are pale and white. Instead, its still pretty pink. And it shouldn't be pink. So now I'm trying some scar therapy stuff to help it finish healing. Right now I'm using Scar Away, which is a silicone sheet that I put on my leg every day. It's a little obnoxious to clean every night, but it's better than using silicone gel that I have to put on and then wait 5 minutes for it to dry before getting dressed. So the saga continues.
In other saga news, I still haven't heard from my dermatologist's office about my next appointment. After I saw my surgeon, I stopped by the dermatologist's office since it was right down the hall, to see about the double booking or procedure appointment that the nurse talked about since the schedule is otherwise full through December. The receptionist wasn't exactly helpful, but she said she would send a note to my dermatologist to get his permission for one of those appointments. If I don't hear from them office by the end of the month, I guess I'll call them again. Sigh.
The problem now is that my incision still hasn't finished healing. My doctor looked at it and said that the main incision should look like my stitch marks, which are pale and white. Instead, its still pretty pink. And it shouldn't be pink. So now I'm trying some scar therapy stuff to help it finish healing. Right now I'm using Scar Away, which is a silicone sheet that I put on my leg every day. It's a little obnoxious to clean every night, but it's better than using silicone gel that I have to put on and then wait 5 minutes for it to dry before getting dressed. So the saga continues.
In other saga news, I still haven't heard from my dermatologist's office about my next appointment. After I saw my surgeon, I stopped by the dermatologist's office since it was right down the hall, to see about the double booking or procedure appointment that the nurse talked about since the schedule is otherwise full through December. The receptionist wasn't exactly helpful, but she said she would send a note to my dermatologist to get his permission for one of those appointments. If I don't hear from them office by the end of the month, I guess I'll call them again. Sigh.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Celebrations
Since the summer, the number of weddings and engagements happening among my friends and acquaintances is insane:
Kwon got married in June
Mo got married in July
Neil got engaged in July
Neil got engaged in July
Gianna got in engaged in July
Shawna got engaged in September
Bonnie got engaged yesterday
Melissa got engaged yesterday
Ami gets married tomorrow
AnneMarie gets married in 2 weeks
Christen gets married in a month
I'm not going to the last three weddings, but I'm pretty sure I'll be going to Shawna, Bonnie, and Melissa's weddings.
I also recently found out that Andrew and Jamie are moving to Virginia, and not to a metro accessible part of Virginia.
I feel like everyone is moving forward, and I'm not. I'm genuinely happy for all of my friends and these milestones they're hitting, but sometimes I wonder if I will ever hit them. I know I've said it's time to put myself out there before, but I've obviously never done so. I guess I'm just scared. I don't want to face rejection and I'm afraid of disappointing people, which makes it super easy to just hang out with friends or on my own. I don't think I'm very good at taking risks. I mean, I did take a big risk when I moved across the country without out a set plan for the future, but I haven't done anything major since. Maybe it's time.
Then again, I've said that before and didn't do anything. Maybe this weekend will be enough to push me to make a change, but we'll have to see how I feel tomorrow.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Shutdown
A week from Tuesday I may not be allowed to go into work.
Why?
Because I work for the federal government, and our budget runs through September 30. The House of Representatives passed a budget, but they included language defunding Obamacare, and that will never pass the Democratically-controlled Senate.
I have 2 points.
1. It really sucks that those of us who choose to work for the federal government because we love this country and what it stands for will be required to stay home. It would be illegal for us to go to work. Not only have we had our pay frozen for 3 years, but now you're playing politics with my career because you haven't been able to roll back Obamacare the previous 39 times you tried? How is that fair? And how much of a waste of resources was it for you to take the time to vote on this issues 40, yes, 40 times for no purpose? I want to go to work, and because Congress is full of asshats, I won't be able to if the situation continues as it is.
2. I'm not going to lie, I wasn't the biggest fan of Obamacare in the beginning. I didn't support it, but I didn't hate it either; I was pretty ambivalent. Cancer has changed my perspective. Now that I have a "pre-existing condition," if I ever left my current job and needed to get health insurance, Obamacare gives me the right to coverage that I might not have otherwise had. I think this shows that sometimes we need to experience something before realizing why it is needed. It's kind of like some anti-gay folks change their minds once a family member comes out or they meet someone who is gay, and they realize that these are normal people who deserve all the rights that straight people have. Or those who are pro-gun and then are affected by gun violence sometimes change to anti-gun. I wonder what our Republican Congressmen would think if they couldn't afford health insurance and got cancer. Most of our representatives are wealthy enough though, that it's unlikely they will ever be in that position.
I really resent the Republicans doing this especially because they haven't proposed an alternative. If you want to get rid of it enough to cause a shutdown showdown, show me something that you think would be better. Especially since Obamacare is based off Republican Mitt Romney's plan.
Sigh. What a mess.
Why?
Because I work for the federal government, and our budget runs through September 30. The House of Representatives passed a budget, but they included language defunding Obamacare, and that will never pass the Democratically-controlled Senate.
I have 2 points.
1. It really sucks that those of us who choose to work for the federal government because we love this country and what it stands for will be required to stay home. It would be illegal for us to go to work. Not only have we had our pay frozen for 3 years, but now you're playing politics with my career because you haven't been able to roll back Obamacare the previous 39 times you tried? How is that fair? And how much of a waste of resources was it for you to take the time to vote on this issues 40, yes, 40 times for no purpose? I want to go to work, and because Congress is full of asshats, I won't be able to if the situation continues as it is.
2. I'm not going to lie, I wasn't the biggest fan of Obamacare in the beginning. I didn't support it, but I didn't hate it either; I was pretty ambivalent. Cancer has changed my perspective. Now that I have a "pre-existing condition," if I ever left my current job and needed to get health insurance, Obamacare gives me the right to coverage that I might not have otherwise had. I think this shows that sometimes we need to experience something before realizing why it is needed. It's kind of like some anti-gay folks change their minds once a family member comes out or they meet someone who is gay, and they realize that these are normal people who deserve all the rights that straight people have. Or those who are pro-gun and then are affected by gun violence sometimes change to anti-gun. I wonder what our Republican Congressmen would think if they couldn't afford health insurance and got cancer. Most of our representatives are wealthy enough though, that it's unlikely they will ever be in that position.
I really resent the Republicans doing this especially because they haven't proposed an alternative. If you want to get rid of it enough to cause a shutdown showdown, show me something that you think would be better. Especially since Obamacare is based off Republican Mitt Romney's plan.
Sigh. What a mess.
Monday, September 16, 2013
'Twas the Night Before Surgery...
A year ago on September 16, a Sunday, I went to Rosh Hashana services, and then came home to wait for Dad to arrive. He was flying in from Los Angeles to drive me to the hospital, where my surgery was scheduled for the next morning, and to stay with me for a few days post-surgery. He got to my apartment at about 11:30pm.
I remember when he arrived he commented about how calm I was. I also remember wondering how else was I supposed to be? I knew I had to have surgery, and I'd prepared myself as best I could. Looking back, I think it's a good thing I didn't read up too much on other people's experiences with wide site excisions, because since my surgery I've read a few horror stories. It just never even occurred to me to look up people's accounts because the surgeon was pretty thorough in explaining everything to me and I'd read enough on the major skin cancer websites to understand what was being done and why.
In fact, I think I was more freaked out about having cancer than about the surgery to be honest. Surgery is something you can control (for the most part). Cancer is something we try to control and barely understand. So I knew what was happening the next morning, I'd had a month to research and think about it, and all that was left was for it to happen.
And a little over twelve hours later it was done.
I remember when he arrived he commented about how calm I was. I also remember wondering how else was I supposed to be? I knew I had to have surgery, and I'd prepared myself as best I could. Looking back, I think it's a good thing I didn't read up too much on other people's experiences with wide site excisions, because since my surgery I've read a few horror stories. It just never even occurred to me to look up people's accounts because the surgeon was pretty thorough in explaining everything to me and I'd read enough on the major skin cancer websites to understand what was being done and why.
In fact, I think I was more freaked out about having cancer than about the surgery to be honest. Surgery is something you can control (for the most part). Cancer is something we try to control and barely understand. So I knew what was happening the next morning, I'd had a month to research and think about it, and all that was left was for it to happen.
And a little over twelve hours later it was done.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Always Remember, Never Forget
Today is a day that will never be normal.
Every September 11, I remember where I was when I saw the second plane hit. I also remember sitting in class and watching the Towers fall.
Now I will also remember waking up on the morning of September 11, 2012, and reading the news that Ambassador Chris Stevens and 3 others were killed in Benghazi, Libya. I also remember all of the attacks on our Embassies around the world thanks to the youtube video that I refuse to name.
It was not a good day.
Maybe one day I'll have more positive memories about September 11, but I hope I always remember to take a moment and think about those who lost their lives on that day in 2001 and 2012. And I hope I remember them in days other than September 11 as they deserve more than to be remembered solely in tragedy.
In fact, I prefer the phrase "always remember" to "never forget" because it feels more active. Actively remembering takes more effort than not forgetting on one day a year.
My plan is to to be thankful for what I have every day, and to remember those who lost their lives on September 11 more than just once a year.
Every September 11, I remember where I was when I saw the second plane hit. I also remember sitting in class and watching the Towers fall.
Now I will also remember waking up on the morning of September 11, 2012, and reading the news that Ambassador Chris Stevens and 3 others were killed in Benghazi, Libya. I also remember all of the attacks on our Embassies around the world thanks to the youtube video that I refuse to name.
It was not a good day.
Maybe one day I'll have more positive memories about September 11, but I hope I always remember to take a moment and think about those who lost their lives on that day in 2001 and 2012. And I hope I remember them in days other than September 11 as they deserve more than to be remembered solely in tragedy.
In fact, I prefer the phrase "always remember" to "never forget" because it feels more active. Actively remembering takes more effort than not forgetting on one day a year.
My plan is to to be thankful for what I have every day, and to remember those who lost their lives on September 11 more than just once a year.
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