Voglio la pioggia

I want the rain.

Today it is cloudy and looks like rain. I want it. I dont know what it is, but rain makes me feel cozy. Its good thinking weather too.
When I woke up this morning I realized how stressed I am. I carry all of my tension in my shoulders, and right now, it hurts to move them I am so tense.
And this is why I am tense...Im putting off turning in my Georgetown App so I can make it perfect, but I have little hope of getting in there anyway. I have all of these people tell me I am smart and I can get in wherever I apply, but I just dont feel that way. Apparently I do a great job of putting on an act bc no one realizes how insecure I really am. I am insecure about guys, school, finding a job, moving, etc. I feel like I am stuck in limbo, not growing up, but not slowing down enough to be able to fix it. And this is all my fault. If I moved to DC right now I would begin the next stage in my life. Yet I am so scared that I will screw it up that I havent done it. Same with the application. Im tired of thinking and worrying about this. I need something to happen to get my mind off of it.
At the same time as all of this, I have friends who are getting jobs and moving to other countries. I want that. I want to be doing something exciting. I remember last year, when I studied in Italy and DC. It was probably the best 6 months of my life. And a year later I am sitting at home all day every day. Im tired of the monotony, but unless I am the one to change it, nothing is going to happen.
Therefore it is all on me.
I can feel my shoulders getting more tense.

Voglio la pioggia

che cosa io fanno

what do i do?

il mio stomaco è nei nodi

my stomach is in knots

I talked to dad last night about wanting to move to dc sooner rather than later, and he agreed. He agreed so much we are looking into plane tickets for next week. This is really freaking me out. I know I need to be out there to find housing and a job, but is it stupid to go out there without either? I was so excited last night, and then when I went to bed, I got seriously nervous with my stomach all tangled up in knots. I am so afraid of failing, and I feel like I am just setting myself up for it. i am seriously freaking out right now.

il mio stomaco è nei nodi

è come ha saputo

Its like he knew...

So I tell Brian that mom is on her way home. He has been doing absolutely nothing all afternoon/evening since he got home. All of the sudden, once I told him that, he got out his stuff and it now looks like he has been doing something.
Now, I admit that I am not one to talk seeing as I do next to nothing all day every day.
But I don't deny that or try to hide it.
It just makes me laugh seeing as mom and I joke as to whether or not he is watching tv, sleeping, or on his computer. Now, he is pretending to actually have been doing something.
Whatever.

mi domando...

I wonder...

This just about sums up my life right now.
I wonder if I made the right decision to defer
I wonder if/when I will move out to DC
I wonder why I wonder so much
I wonder if I will stay friends with everyone
I wonder if I will ever find someone of my own
I wonder if my expectations are just way too high
I wonder who I am disappointing now
I wonder if my parent's relationship with one another and their new partners has affected me
I wonder if I will ever be satisfied
I wonder if it is wrong to feel so happy for someone, yet jealous at the same time
I wonder what other people have that I dont
I wonder if all of these musings make me a terrible person

Mi domando...

sono spaventato

I am scared.

I do not know what I will be doing with my life for the next 4 months.
Im wondering now if it was stupid not to just go to grad school. Though I do still stand by my reasoning that I want to go somewhere I really want to go. Im just really freaking out with all of these empty months ahead of me.
My biggest fear is disappointing those I love and I am afraid that that is exactly what I am doing while I am floundering around.
So my question is this, do I move to DC without a job/internship on the line and go for it, or do I just stay here in SD and get a job to pass the time.
I really don't know anymore.

I am scared