Introverts

I've known for a while that I'm an introvert. I used to think that meant that I'm shy, which I am, but it really means that I draw my energy from being alone. In other words, sitting alone in my apartment with the tv on or a good book in my hand makes me happy and stores up reserves to be outgoing at a later time. Extroverts draw their energy and happiness from being around other people. I enjoy being with others, but it wears me out after a period of time because I feel like I have to be "on."

This weekend exhausted me. I went to an engagement party on Saturday afternoon where I didn't know anyone except the future bride and groom. Saturday night I spent with a friend. And then today I went to a brunch with a bunch of friends, most of whom I'm not particularly close with, but I wanted to be social and get to know them better. So I was "on" a lot.

And now I'm drained. All I want to do is lay on the couch and read with football or Big Bang Theory on in the background. I think I'm going to hang out with another friend instead, and I'm ok with that since we are just going to drink wine and watch The Blacklist, but I'm slightly worried that this week is going to be difficult since I haven't really had any "me" time this weekend. I guess we'll see though.

Incision Update

I saw my surgeon 2 weeks ago for my 1 year post-op check up. My main concern was the fact that my skin still hasn't flattened out. To fix that, my doctor said they could cut out the scar and make a new and longer incision. I said no thanks. I'd rather live with skin that isn't exactly smooth and flat than go through healing another incision that may not end up flat either. So that's that.

The problem now is that my incision still hasn't finished healing. My doctor looked at it and said that the main incision should look like my stitch marks, which are pale and white. Instead, its still pretty pink. And it shouldn't be pink. So now I'm trying some scar therapy stuff to help it finish healing. Right now I'm using Scar Away, which is a silicone sheet that I put on my leg every day. It's a little obnoxious to clean every night, but it's better than using silicone gel that I have to put on and then wait 5 minutes for it to dry before getting dressed. So the saga continues.

In other saga news, I still haven't heard from my dermatologist's office about my next appointment. After I saw my surgeon, I stopped by the dermatologist's office since it was right down the hall, to see about the double booking or procedure appointment that the nurse talked about since the schedule is otherwise full through December. The receptionist wasn't exactly helpful, but she said she would send a note to my dermatologist to get his permission for one of those appointments. If I don't hear from them office by the end of the month, I guess I'll call them again. Sigh.

Celebrations

Since the summer, the number of weddings and engagements happening among my friends and acquaintances is insane:

Kwon got married in June

Mo got married in July
Neil got engaged in July

Gianna got in engaged in July

Shawna got engaged in September

Bonnie got engaged yesterday

Melissa got engaged yesterday

Ami gets married tomorrow

AnneMarie gets married in 2 weeks

Christen gets married in a month

I'm not going to the last three weddings, but I'm pretty sure I'll be going to Shawna, Bonnie, and Melissa's weddings. 

I also recently found out that Andrew and Jamie are moving to Virginia, and not to a metro accessible part of Virginia. 

I feel like everyone is moving forward, and I'm not. I'm genuinely happy for all of my friends and these milestones they're hitting, but sometimes I wonder if I will ever hit them. I know I've said it's time to put myself out there before, but I've obviously never done so. I guess I'm just scared. I don't want to face rejection and I'm afraid of disappointing people, which makes it super easy to just hang out with friends or on my own. I don't think I'm very good at taking risks. I mean, I did take a big risk when I moved across the country without out a set plan for the future, but I haven't done anything major since. Maybe it's time. 

Then again, I've said that before and didn't do anything. Maybe this weekend will be enough to push me to make a change, but we'll have to see how I feel tomorrow. 

Shutdown

A week from Tuesday I may not be allowed to go into work.

Why?

Because I work for the federal government, and our budget runs through September 30. The House of Representatives passed a budget, but they included language defunding Obamacare, and that will never pass the Democratically-controlled Senate.

I have 2 points.

1. It really sucks that those of us who choose to work for the federal government because we love this country and what it stands for will be required to stay home. It would be illegal for us to go to work. Not only have we had our pay frozen for 3 years, but now you're playing politics with my career because you haven't been able to roll back Obamacare the previous 39 times you tried? How is that fair? And how much of a waste of resources was it for you to take the time to vote on this issues 40, yes, 40 times for no purpose? I want to go to work, and because Congress is full of asshats, I won't be able to if the situation continues as it is.

2. I'm not going to lie, I wasn't the biggest fan of Obamacare in the beginning. I didn't support it, but I didn't hate it either; I was pretty ambivalent. Cancer has changed my perspective. Now that I have a "pre-existing condition," if I ever left my current job and needed to get health insurance, Obamacare gives me the right to coverage that I might not have otherwise had. I think this shows that sometimes we need to experience something before realizing why it is needed. It's kind of like some anti-gay folks change their minds once a family member comes out or they meet someone who is gay, and they realize that these are normal people who deserve all the rights that straight people have. Or those who are pro-gun and then are affected by gun violence sometimes change to anti-gun. I wonder what our Republican Congressmen would think if they couldn't afford health insurance and got cancer. Most of our representatives are wealthy enough though, that it's unlikely they will ever be in that position.

I really resent the Republicans doing this especially because they haven't proposed an alternative. If you want to get rid of it enough to cause a shutdown showdown, show me something that you think would be better. Especially since Obamacare is based off Republican Mitt Romney's plan.

Sigh. What a mess.

'Twas the Night Before Surgery...

A year ago on September 16, a Sunday, I went to Rosh Hashana services, and then came home to wait for Dad to arrive. He was flying in from Los Angeles to drive me to the hospital, where my surgery was scheduled for the next morning, and to stay with me for a few days post-surgery. He got to my apartment at about 11:30pm.

I remember when he arrived he commented about how calm I was. I also remember wondering how else was I supposed to be? I knew I had to have surgery, and I'd prepared myself as best I could. Looking back, I think it's a good thing I didn't read up too much on other people's experiences with wide site excisions, because since my surgery I've read a few horror stories. It just never even occurred to me to look up people's accounts because the surgeon was pretty thorough in explaining everything to me and I'd read enough on the major skin cancer websites to understand what was being done and why.

In fact, I think I was more freaked out about having cancer than about the surgery to be honest. Surgery is something you can control (for the most part). Cancer is something we try to control and barely understand. So I knew what was happening the next morning, I'd had a month to research and think about it, and all that was left was for it to happen.

And a little over twelve hours later it was done.

Always Remember, Never Forget

Today is a day that will never be normal.

Every September 11, I remember where I was when I saw the second plane hit. I also remember sitting in class and watching the Towers fall.

Now I will also remember waking up on the morning of September 11, 2012, and reading the news that Ambassador Chris Stevens and 3 others were killed in Benghazi, Libya. I also remember all of the attacks on our Embassies around the world thanks to the youtube video that I refuse to name.

It was not a good day.

Maybe one day I'll have more positive memories about September 11, but I hope I always remember to take a moment and think about those who lost their lives on that day in 2001 and 2012. And I hope I remember them in days other than September 11 as they deserve more than to be remembered solely in tragedy.

In fact, I prefer the phrase "always remember" to "never forget" because it feels more active. Actively remembering takes more effort than not forgetting on one day a year.

My plan is to to be thankful for what I have every day, and to remember those who lost their lives on September 11 more than just once a year.

New Year, New Beginnings

Last night was Erev Rosh Hashana, which means that as of sundown yesterday, it is a new year in the Jewish calendar: 5774. Yay.

Last year Erev Rosh Hashana fell on September 16, the night before my surgery. So in Jewish calendar time, a year has passed since my surgery.

Weird.

Anyway, last night I went to services. It was ok. Starting at 6pm was pretty lame in my opinion, since getting across DC in the middle of rush hour traffic is next to impossible to do quickly. Especially when you're relying on public transportation. So I was 5 minutes late and it took another 5 minutes to find a seat. Blah. Anyway. After services I went to the Sixth and I NYE Party, where we had a countdown to sundown, which was kinda awesome. It was certainly a much better new years than December 31 was!

What Not To Do At Work: Cry

So why would I tear up at my desk at work?

First, I was feeling down as I walked back to my office after my daily 10am meeting. I was feeling a little worthless and wondering about my future and all the fun stuff that a woman in her late twenties worries about at her job.

When I got back to my desk, I called Kaiser. First, some background. When it comes to making appointments for my dermatologist, they open the schedule for a month at a time, and the month I need is never open when I'm at the dermatologist's office. So, they always put me on a list and call me when the schedule opens up for the month I'm supposed to come in for my next check. I do not have my cell phone at work, so I've told the dermatologist's office multiple times that if they are calling me, they need to call my work number. Unfortunately, the office called my cell phone this week, and when I got off work and got the message, it was after work hours and the office was closed. So I called this morning. When I called, they said they they were booked through the first half of December. I'm supposed to see the dermatologist in November.

Sigh.

The nurse noted that there is finally a new dermatologist at my facility, so hopefully some people will switch over to him/her. She also said that Dr. Lorek said clearly that he wanted to see me, so I need to call back in a month, and they will double book me or put me a in procedure slot or something. It's great that they'll fit me in, but it is beyond frustrating to go through this every time I need to make an appointment.  It's not enough that I'm a cancer patient, but I have to deal with this bureaucratic crap too?

After I hung up with the nurse I started tearing up. I don't know what it was, but something about this call was just the final straw for my morning. I ended up calling my mom because I needed to talk to someone. She made me feel better and didn't make me feel bad for having a pity-party. All things considered, it's been awhile since I've had a pity-party regarding my diagnosis, so maybe I was due. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm glad this day is almost over.

In any case, if you are going to have a mini-breakdown a work, it helps if your office is nowhere near another person's office, and it's good to get it over with quickly. Luckily, my office is in no-man's-land when compared to everyone else in my office suite, so I was good there. And while my tears may have lasted 5 minutes, no one came by until after I was already back to work, so it's all good.

Now I just have to wait until the end of October and cross my fingers that they'll fit me in. And hopefully that little breakdown will be my last for a while.

The Dreaded Phone Call

I remember chatting with a colleague earlier this year, and she couldn't believe that one of her friends was told she had cancer by her doctor over the phone. I reminded her that I was told over the phone, and asked how she would want the news delivered. When she thought about it more, she didn't really have an answer.

I would much rather have my doctor call me and tell me over the phone than call me and tell me I need to come in for a conversation That would just make me stress and worry. It might have been nice to get the news when I wasn't at work, but I think a phone call is still the way to go.

I mean let's be honest, there is no good way to get the news you have cancer. Whether via the phone or in person, it is news that is going to change your life. I think the best thing is to just get the news, and then work on the solution and the way forward, whatever it may be.

Not a Normal Day

A year ago today, August 21, a nice and sunny Tuesday, I was sitting at my desk when the phone rang. I looked over and saw it was Kaiser, and had a flutter of nerves. Thirty seconds later my life had irrevocably changed.

I had cancer.

I don't know how long it took to sink it, but I'm sure I made my dermatologist repeat things over and over again on that call. A lot of it is a blur when I think back to it. What I mainly remember is being told that they caught it super early, it was only .25mm thick/deep, and that the plastic surgeon's office would be calling within the hour to set up an appointment for later in the week. If they didn't call within the hour, I needed to call them.

I was numb. I took notes, but they didn't mean much at the time.

Less than an hour later, the plastic surgeon's office called and I had an appointment set for 2 days later. The next thing I remember doing is calling my mom and telling her. I waited to tell my dad until I got home. I don't think I got any more work done that day.

On my way home I remember sitting on the bus and having to hold back tears. All I could think was "cancer, cancer, cancer." I had my workout stuff with me, but there was no way I was going to the gym. I made it home, calmed myself, and called dad. I don't remember much of the conversations I had with either of my parents, other than one of them, maybe both them, mentioning that children shouldn't get cancer or major illnesses before their parents.

I don't remember anything else about that day, the day that started as a normal day and ended as one that would change the rest of my life.

One Year

The next month will be full of cancerversaries. Today's is the fact that a year ago today, August 15, I had a mole biopsied that turned out to be stage 1 melanoma. A year ago I didn't know the mole was cancerous. I just left my procedure thinking "there goes another one." It was something I was doing to placate my dermatologist, not because I was particularly concerned. Not anymore.

Sore

I was bad and took 2 weeks off of running.

Oops.

Now I'm paying for it. I went to the gym last night and ran 3.11 miles, and my legs are mad at me today. It's good though, because that means I worked my legs well. Or so I tell myself.

I have a 5k and a 10k in September and October respectively, so I've gotta get back to running consistently. The farthest I've run since Cherry Blossom is 5 miles, and recently I've been stopping at about 3-3.5 miles, so I need to up my milage over the next 2 months for the 6.2 miles on Oct 27. I think there's enough time to be able to run 6 miles consistently, and as it gets cooler it will be even easier. For now I'm happy that even with 2 weeks off, it wasn't too terribly bad running last night. Maybe that means my body is becoming a runner's body. Who knows. What I do know is that it's back to the gym tomorrow. Consistency is key, and now that I've had my 2 week summer break, it's time to get back to serious running.

Wish me luck.

Twenty-Eight

Eeek.

I'm no longer allowed to say I'm in my "mid-twenties." Sigh.

Ah well, it was fun while it lasted.

Anyway, I figure my 28th year can't start off any worse than my 27th, since I was told I had cancer a mere 10 days after my birthday last year. So already this year is looking better than the last. (Way to look on the bright side, right?) My actual birthday was relaxing and boring-sleeping in, running the dishwasher, laundry, reading, and then dinner with some friends topped off by home-made ice cream and a trip to Kramerbooks (a small, local bookstore I adore). I also spent some of my hard earned money on Saturday at Banana Republic buying a couple of the Issa dresses. You know Issa, the designer who designed the dress worn by Kate Middleton when she announced her engagement to Prince William? Yeah, he has a collection at BR, and I really like some of the fits. Plus, I can wear the dresses to work and out, so that's a bonus.

All in all it was a nice birthday weekend.

Another Day, Another Doctor Appointment

I had my most recent 3 month check-up yesterday, and the doctor said everything looked good and he doesn't see any moles he wants to remove. He's not too worried because the last 3 he biopsied were benign and I've been doing a good job of staying out of the sun. So now it's all good until my next appointment, sometime around Thanksgiving. Regarding my check-up schedule, the dermatologist said that I need to continue my 3 month check-ups for another year, then it will be every 6 months for 2 years, and then it will be an annual visit for the rest of my life. Unless another melanoma shows up and then the whole process starts over again. So fingers crossed everything stays normal.

Unexpected Visits

On Monday I got a facebook message from a friend who I have known since elementary school. He said he was going to be in town for a few days, and asked if we could hang out. I haven't seen him in years, so I was excited and nervous at the same time. The nerves are because I always worry about not having enough to talk about with those friends from high school who now live on the opposite side of the country from me. Plus, he drinks a bit too much for my taste, so I wanted to make sure that didn't mess up our time hanging out.

Anyway, we met up after work on Monday and wandered around Chinatown and the Mall. It was his first time in DC, so it was fun to show him a bit of the city I love. It was also fun to hang out and chat. He's a good guy, and we had a nice time. Overall, I'm glad he came and I'm glad we got time to be together. He was a good friend growing up, and it's nice to know he's still a good friend...even if we disagree on some things these days. :)

In related news, he got engaged during this past 4th of July. I'm super happy for him, and yes, I admit it, jealous and surprised. He did not have the best childhood, but he has found someone who he loves and who loves him and they work. I want that. Sigh. But I'm trying just to be happy for him. So yay for him.

Lastly, I have my next derm appointment on Wednesday. Wish me luck.

Technology

I read an article in the NY Times this morning about a device that helps find/diagnose melanomas. It's an interesting idea, but I worry about too much emphasis being placed on technology. I like the fact that my dermatologist is as thorough as he is, and I wouldn't want him to miss something because he was focused only on what this machine said. I suppose if he did his normal review and then used the machine to double check moles he was concerned about, that might be good, but I don't think technology can replace a well trained doctor. At least, not yet.

Aspirin

I'm 27 years old and I'm on an aspirin regimen.

Say what? Isn't an aspirin regimen only for older folks who are at risk for a heart attack? Nope, not anymore.

An observation study of older women found that those who took aspirin lowered their risk of melanoma by up to 30%. That's huge. The problem is that this was just an observational study, not a cause-effect study. Still, the numbers are so high that women who are at high risk for melanoma, i.e. people who have already had skin cancer like me, are being told to go ahead and start taking aspirin daily.

My dermatologist first recommended this to me at my late April biopsy/check-up. So why did I wait to start until this past Monday? Because aspirin is a medicine and it can affect people in unexpected ways. I knew I was due for a physical, which entails blood work, so I wanted to talk to my regular doctor and see if there was any reason why I shouldn't take it. I had that physical in June, and now here we are.

So. I'm 27 and I'm on an aspirin regimen that I will probably be on for the rest of my life. It's a bit of a pain, but if it gives me more years, then I'm all for it.

More research needs to be done to help solve and cure cancer, but for now I'll follow the doctor's orders and embrace this new, possibly extended, lease on life.

Stop Asking Me Why I'm Still Single

I just saw this on Thought Catalog and had to post. It's perfect timing, really. Especially after my last post.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/stop-asking-me-why-im-still-single/

California Love

I was in California last week, and beyond the craziness of travel, which I'll get to in another post, I will say it was an amazing trip. I got to spend some time with mom, though not as much as I would have liked, and I got to see my grandparents as well. Grandpa was a bit of pain, but I still love the guy, and I'm happy I got to see him.

After spending time with mom, I flew up to Sacramento and drove into Fairfield to spend some time with one of my college roomies to celebrate her wedding. It's crazy that even though I haven't seen her since Jan 2011, it was super easy to just hang out just like old times. It was also great to meet new people and see some folks I also hadn't seen in awhile. The wedding was beautiful and fun (pictures to come later) and I hope we see each other more often in the future than just once every 2-3 years.

The only negative part of the wedding festivities was the inevitable question: Are you seeing someone? Sigh. Nope, I'm not, and yes, I feel a bit like a loser saying so. But you know what, I've been busy. With grad school and work and cancer and running and friends, I just don't have the time to date. Well, to be fair, I could make the time, but I'd have to give something up, and I'm not willing to do so yet. After this weekend though, attending Mo's wedding, seeing Lisa with her longtime boyfriend, and having 2 of my college friends get engaged, I may be leaning more towards making that effort to put myself out there more.

I've said that before though, so we'll see if I actually do anything to make a change. :)

Running Update

I think it was last year after I volunteered for the Cherry Blossom 10-miler that I made the comment that I want to get to the point where I can go to the gym every few days and just run a 5k on the treadmill with ease. Well, it certainly isn't easy, but I have reached the point in my running that I can go the gym and run 3.1 miles. How tough it is depends on how hydrated I am and how I'm feeling, with some days obviously better than others, but overall it feels great to know that I have that ability. And it wasn't that long ago that I couldn't run at all. So life is good.

In addition, my pace has gotten way better. Looking at my running log, I was running about 11:45 minute miles when I started in the beginning of February. Today I ran 3.1 miles at an average pace of 10:04. That's almost 2 minutes off of my pace in the span of 5 months. I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself for that.

I've also decided not to sign up for Running 201 again this summer. I mainly signed up for the first session because I wanted to make sure I continued to run after the Cherry Blossom run, and I figured if I paid for it, I was more likely to actually go. And I have been going, but the weather is just getting too gross. Especially when you consider the point that you feel 20 degrees warmer when you run. So today it was 95 when the run group was supposed to start, meaning I would have felt like it was almost 120 degrees out. No thank you. I think I'm at the point in my running where I have the discipline to go to the gym every week without the paid run group, so I think I'll be ok.

My next race is the Color run in September, followed by the Marine Corps Marathon 10k, which is the last 6.2 miles of the Marine Corps Marathon, on Oct 27. Dad challenged me to do it in under an hour. I'm not sure if I'll be able to, but if I keep working at it and continue with my running, it's definitely a possibility. This is also the race I couldn't do last year thanks to my surgery, so I'm reallllly looking forward to it. I'm also planning on entering the lottery for the 2014 Cherry Blossom Run and the 2014 Nike Women's Half in DC.

Wish me luck!

So Far So Good

I was looking at my moles the other day, and I realized I have no tan lines.

This is a very good thing.

Usually by this time of year I have tan shoulders and flip-flop tan lines from walking from the metro to work. Now I'm taking the bus to avoid the long walk, I'm staying completely out of the sun from 10:00am to 4:00pm (and really trying to avoid it until 6:00pm), and I'm wearing t-shirts instead of tank tops to keep my shoulders covered. It's been a bit of a challenge and is often frustrating, but it's worth it if it keeps me from getting another melanoma.

The lack of tan lines shows that so far I'm doing a good job staying out of the sun. It's early summer though, so fingers crossed I can keep it up. I know it will be especially challenging while I'm in CA, but the challenge will be worth it to see the family and watch my college roomie get married!

Best. News. Ever.

Ok, not really. I mean, being completely cancer free for the rest of my life would be the best news ever. But this is pretty close. I just received a catalog from Athleta which prompted me to check online to see if they have UPF clothing. And they do! And not just 2 styles of shirts like Brooks, but I see at least one hundred styles! And they aren't ugly like the UPF clothes by Solumbra! This may sound like a trite and silly thing, but when you realize your whole way of life has to change, and most clothes that you can now wear during the day if you are going to be outside between 10am and 4pm are hideous, it makes you really not want to go outside. Which may be the point. But I can't stay inside for the rest of my life, and I like to run outside, so it's a relief to know that I have (cute) options. And there is an Athleta store in Georgetown, so I'm going to have to check in out sometime in the next few weeks. Yay!

Cancer Ribbons

Cancer ribbons are ubiquitous. People wear them to support people with the disease and they wear them as proud fighters and survivors. Today I randomly decided to look up what my ribbon looks like.

It's black.

Um, really? How depressing is that. I get that there are only so many colors to the rainbow, but seriously? Black? Ugh.

Here is the basic chart:

I like the idea of this one, but orange is already taken...twice:

Then again, it really is just a ribbon. I might add one to my bag and maybe my jackets in the winter, but if I do I have to be willing to talk about it if/when someone asks what it's for. Am I ready for that? I don't know. I took a big step last week by writing that I have cancer in a paper that was shared with 15 other people,  and you know what? The world didn't end, I didn't get bombarded with questions, and life goes on. I still haven't shared the news with everyone, but I'm slowly talking about it more. It's a fact of my life now, and to ignore it does no good. I am almost of the mindset that if talking about it convinces one more person to wear sunscreen and prevents them from getting cancer, then it's worth it.  Almost. I'm still not ready to tell people who I never really see, i.e. high school and college buddies, but most of my good friends in DC know. Eventually maybe I'll get to the point where talking about it doesn't make me uncomfortable, but we'll see. For now my biggest focus is on not freaking out over the new moles that just keep popping up. I know they're not necessarily bad, but it still freaks me out when I see moles where I swear there weren't any the day before. Luckily my last biopsy was clear and my next visit is scheduled. So for now I'll focus on education and awareness. 

And try not to take the black ribbon as a bad omen. 

But seriously. 

Maybe a color change is in the future?

13.1

My new goal is to run 13.1 miles. A half marathon. I think I can do it. No, I know I can do it. With proper training anything is possible. I've already bettered my pace by a minute since February, so now I just need to keep going.

Today I passed on the great feeling Megan gave me during the Cherry Blossom 10-miler by cheering on Alex at the Nike Women's Half.

It was inspiring, and I am more motivated than ever before to keep running. I have to make sure I run before 10:00am and after 6:00pm if I am running outside, but there is always the gym, and I have UPF clothing, so I can make sure I am protected if I do run outside. I can do this. And next year, I will be one of those crossing that finish line (if I get in the lottery, which I am assuming I will!).

The Other Problem With A Biopsy

So not only do I have to worry about the results of my biopsy, but I have to take care of the biopsy site for 10 days to 2 weeks post-biopsy. To do so, I have to keep a band-aid on for that whole period of time. The problem with this is that my skin does not like the adhesive in band-aids. And when I say it doesn't like it, I mean I get a rash and my skin itches like crazy. So I've switched to latex free band-aids. The problem is that I started with the regular band-aids, and because I have to keep it covered, there is no time for that rash to go away, and it just keeps itching, even with the right band-aids. So not only do I have to worry about the results of the biopsy, but I get to have an itchy incision site for the next 10 days. Ugh.

Another Mole Bites the Dust

Today I went to the dermatologist and had yet another mole removed. It was an interesting experience given the location of this particular mole, which was on my butt. I got to lay on my stomach while the doctor and his technician did what they had to do.

Not awkward in the slightest.

Actually, it wasn't really that bad. I just tried to keep my mind off of the needle, scalpel, and laser, and ask him the few questions I had. I also mentioned that I am due for my 3 month check-up in May, but that his schedule is booked through June. He said he may as well check me today since I was there, and did the complete check-up, which gives me some peace of mind. He also said that he didn't see a mole that he felt needed to be taken immediately, which is also a sigh of relief. Now I just need to wait for the results of my biopsy, and fingers crossed it will come back normal or atypical but not cancerous.

My dermatologist also said that studies have shown that taking a baby aspirin every day can reduce the chance of getting another melanoma. Before I start an aspirin regimen, I'm going to set up an appointment with my primary care physician for a physical. I haven't had one since before my diagnosis, and I think it's a good idea to get a new baseline. So my plan is to wait for the results of my biopsy, and then set up my appointment. After that I might be taking aspirin, vitamin d, flax seed oil, and a multivitamin very day, in addition to my eye drops. I can't complain too much though, because while this is way more pills than I want to be taking, I recognize the fact that I am extremely lucky when it comes to my diagnosis and that instead of just surgery, I could also have had to deal with chemo and radiation. So, it is what it is, and now I just have to breathe this weekend and not get caught up in stressing over my results. Wish me luck.

Another Survivor, Another Blog

I stumbled across the blog of a young woman who was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I've been following her now for about a month. Even though we have very different stories, I can still relate to some of what she's going through, and I enjoy following her on this journey. She posted something about the Boston Marathon bombings that stuck with me, so I figured I'd repost it here.

http://killerboobies.wordpress.com/2013/04/19/private-marathons/

Crap

Today I glanced down at my scar and noticed a dark spot. It looks like a freckle/mole. Right on my incision. 

Crap. 

Part of me says it's no big deal, moles pop up randomly all over my body, and my pathology report came back clear from surgery, so don't freak out. The other part of me says melanomas can recur in their original location. 

Crap. 

I've already got a biopsy scheduled for next Thursday, so I'll ask my dermatologist about it then. In the meantime, there's not much I can do, so I'm trying to chill out and not stress.

Which me luck.

Reflections on Boston and Running

After the horrible events of yesterday at the Boston Marathon, I had many thoughts running through my head. One of which is that barely a week ago I was running in my own race with over 20,000 people, and security was not anywhere on my radar. The finish line was chaotic, there were tons of people all along the course, and I while I'm sure security was important since hey, I'm in DC, I highly doubt security was super tight. How can it be over a ten-mile course, much less a 26.2 mile course.

I also thought of the beautiful acts of humanity we saw yesterday as spectators helped the injured, as well as the cruelty and callousness that humans often show one another. I wondered if now every race I do I will be worried about the potential of a bomb at the end. Will this diminish my desire to run?

No. I will keep running. I will run for myself, I will run for others who cannot run anymore, I will run because I can. This Sunday, when I put on my running shoes and head out for my long run, I'll be thinking of Boston. I'll be thinking of the London marathon and hoping it's safe. I'll be thinking of those who can't run anymore, especially those who lost their legs on Monday. I'll be thinking about all of the runners around the world who are also putting on their shoes and defiantly going for a run. Because running is something I do for me. Runners are a special breed of people. We are competitive and resilient and strong. This won't keep me down, and it won't keep us down.

Run for Boston.

Leg Update

I meant to post at my 6-month post-surgery update (March 17), oops. Here is what my incision looks like now:

The scars from my stitches should be going away soon, but I doubt the main incision will change much. I still don't have much sensation there, which isn't surprising, but every now and then it does bother me. It also still isn't completely smooth. I need to set up a physical with my primary care physician, so I'll ask her then if I need to see my surgeon prior to my one year check up.

I've also been thinking about "cancer-versaries." Are they supposed to be on the day of diagnosis, the day of surgery, or the day the pathology report comes in? I've seen conflicting articles, so I guess it depends on the person. Mine would either be August 21 (diagnosis) or September 17 (surgery). I guess I'll decide what's best for me as it gets closer.

I also decided not to go to Israel this summer. It was a tough choice, but the right one for me. My health is too important to put at risk for a cheap summer trip. And going to Israel in August as a skin cancer survivor is just plain stupid. So that's that. I've also purchased some UPF-40 running clothes, so hopefully I'll feel better running outside on my morning runs now.

The biggest change/worry for me has been going to and from work. I never used to think about how much sun I'm exposed to while waiting for the bus or walking 6 blocks to work, and post-diagnosis it was winter, so no real need to worry since I was so bundled up. Now that spring is officially here and it's finally getting warm out, I have to worry about sunscreen and sun protection in a way I didn't anticipate. It's been frustrating, but it's something I have to learn to live with.

Running

Last weekend my Dad and Step-mom came to visit and we all ran the Cherry Blossom 10-miler. And when I say "ran," I mean I ran the entire 10 miles. I have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself. I started a training program the first week of February, and I followed it pretty well (minus the track sessions-I hate track). Basically, I ran twice a week at the gym, did the bike for 30 minutes every Saturday, and did my long runs on Sunday with my training group. My goals going into Sunday were to finish, run it all, and do it in less than 2 hours, and I made all three goals. Go me!  I also decided it was smart to sign up for the extension training program and continue to run with my group on Sunday mornings because knowing me, without the structured run, I probably would have stopped running now that I accomplished my goal of the 10-miler. That would be pretty stupid since I've decided I want to run a half marathon at some point, and starting from no training is a lot more difficult than starting from a strong base. Plus, I like the way I feel after a long run. Except for today. Today I felt like crap after my 4.5 miler because I'm sick and my brilliant idea of sweating out the sickness failed miserably. Anyway, my only real fear is having another melanoma pop up and not only screw me over health-wise  but also mess with my training. Fingers crossed my appointment next week goes well and I don't get the dreaded phone call in 2 weeks. If all goes according to plan, I have the color run on May 19th and Sept 22, and I'm going to sign up for the MCM 10k that takes place on Oct 27. Hopefully I can run all of the races I have planned this year. We shall see. As I learned last year, life can take some unexpected twists, and the best I can do is make plans and hope nothing comes along (ahem cancer ahem) to mess it up. Wish me luck!

Me, Meaghan, Dad post-run (it was cold!)

I got my medal!

Memorabilia

Checking In

I had a check-up 2 weeks ago, and my dermatologist wants to take another mole. He said he wants to take it mainly because it's in an awkward spot and I can't keep an eye on it. I'm hoping that's all it is and that he wasn't just saying that and secretly thinking that it looks cancerous. It's gonna be slightly awkward when he takes the mole since it's pretty much on my butt, but oh well. I'm sure my doctor has seen much worse than my ass, right? It's also gonna be fun sitting at work after he cuts out a chunk of my butt too. As one can see, I'm trying to inject some levity into the situation. I've been doing pretty well lately, and my appointment for the biopsy isn't til April 25th, so I'm trying to just let it go right now. Wish me luck.

A Sighting

I tend to get Chipotle almost every Thursday night. This is mainly because I'm taking a class and I don't get back to my neighborhood til almost 8:00pm, which is a bit late to be cooking dinner. Plus, Chipotle is dang good. :-) I do wonder sometimes how much of my life I am wasting in the Chipotle line. I mean, I would say 9 out of10 times that I go, there is at least a 10 minute wait. It adds up. I don't mind so much when there is a cute boy near me in line, but to be honest, I'm usually reading or playing a game on my phone, and not paying attention to those around me. Today however, I glanced behind me and saw a reallllly cute boy. I guess you could say I checked him a couple times, and he did the same. I was near the front of the line though, and he was at the back. A final glance was exchanged after I left and glanced back through the window. Now I just have to hope that my habit of going to Chipotle almost every week will lead to a repeat run-in. :-)

Freakouts

Today I had a minor freakout that I kept from becoming a major freakout, but it took some work. Most of the time I'm ok with my diagnosis and don't think about it too much. Sometimes though, I can't help but look at my moles and wonder, has it changed? did it grow? has that always been there? what if something is growing under my skin and I can't see it? I really don't want to die from this. Today in the shower, I don't know why, but I definitely had a moment. Maybe it's because my 3-month dermatologist visit in in less than 3 weeks, or maybe its the realization I had recently that my whole life has to be looked at differently now, or the possible trip to Israel. I don't know, but what I do know is that I don't like that feeling. And while I do need to keep an eye on my moles and skin in general, I need to make sure I don't let myself get overwhelmed or freak myself out. I'm being proactive, I'm staying out of the sun, I'm going to the doctor every three months. What more can I do? Some things are just out of my hands. If I have another melanoma, then I will follow the steps that need to be taken. I have to trust in my doctor, and that he will spot any other moles that could be cancerous. I just need to let it go and let it be. I'm allowed to worry, but not to go overboard. I think this is something that is going to take work, but this is my life now. I need to suck it up and deal with it.

I Was There (Again!)

Today was President Obama's Second Inauguration. Four years ago I sat on the mall and watched history in the making. Today I sat on the parade route and watched history again, in the re-election of Barack Obama.

We got to our gate at 745, and didn't even get into the parade route until after 900. We were supposed to get in around 800, but nothing ever goes as planned.  We finally got in to the parade route (at H and 15th) and were told to just keep walking towards 17th. So we did, and ended up with this view:

Not too shabby. Also not too shabby were these shots:

There is much more to the story, including freezing my butt off from 730 til about 500, but it was worth it. And now I never have to do it again, haha. 

Oh, and I can't forget these suckers, which saved my hands from falling off:

Pale Girl Speaks

Books are my escape. They captivate me, they teach me, they take me away from whatever is happening in my life, and they don't judge. Last week I decided to read a book titles "Pale Girl Speaks," about a young woman who was diagnosed with melanoma at 25. I thought this was a great book, and I highly recommend it.

Here was my review on Goodreads.com:

This was a great book and I would highly recommend it to anyone who has a loved one with the disease, or just wants to understand cancer from the perspective of a woman in her mid-twenties. I am only 5 months removed from my own melanoma diagnosis, and 4 months removed from my surgery, so some of the book was difficult to read. It was nice though to read about another young person dealing with this disease (I turned 27 1.5 weeks prior to my diagnosis), and I learned some things from the author. The most emotional part of the book for me was definitely the beginning, when the author was able to put into words exactly how I felt when I heard the news:

"I have cancer I have cancer I have cancer. I need to say it one more time. I have cancer...Okay. I'm just going to sit here in my den with my dog at my feet...it's that word that's bothering me so much....The one...ya know, the "c"-word..."That word" always seemed fairly easy to say when I'd used it in stories about other people. Stories about older people...It was just another word. It's just another word when you're talking about someone else. But now, I don't have..that word. I just can't.

It's so weird. I'm sitting here on my couch and everything around me looks the same as always...yet I feel like everything is so completely different. I feel like a completely different person than I did 10 minutes ago."

Reading this brought tears to my eyes as I remembered my own emotions and thoughts when I heard the news. It's difficult to explain to someone how it feels to be diagnosed with cancer, but this managed to capture almost exactly what I felt. I almost want to give this to some of my friends so they understand what it's like to get that call. 

The author takes you on a journey and leaves nothing out, which is as it should be. Melanoma is a terrible disease, and one that doesn't go away once the cancerous mole is removed. In fact, reading about the woman whose melanoma had spread who wouldn't sign up for additional treatment really bothered me and made me think. What would I do if I was ever in that situation? While I haven't turned to alcohol, I can completely understand why someone would. Especially with the worries about family members also having the disease. There are many parts of this story that don't parallel my journey, but it was still interesting to read. Her relationships with her husband and parents were fun to read too, though I feel terrible about her father.

The best part of this book for me has to be in the author's note:

"I can now say...there is no real way to move past a cancer diagnosis. To move past something evokes a sense of finality, and unfortunately, with cancer, there is no actual endgame...except the inevitable. Staying proactive about one's health requires awareness and constant vigilance...Fighting cancer is a continuous battle. The battle may not be raging every moment or in the forefront of one's mind every hour of every day, but it's never far behind. It's there, kinda wandering around, poking it's ugly head into and out of the action. Yes, melanoma is part of my history, but it is also my present and my future, and that I have come to accept."

Cancer is now a part of me, and I can't ever forget it. I am thinking of traveling this summer, and part of my thought process is how much I will be in the sun. That isn't something I would have really worried about last year, and now I think of it constantly. I feel like I need to get special clothes to run in, and that the beach is now off limits, and that if I ever get married, a beach trip will not be part of my honeymoon. Who knew one mole could change my life?

In any case, this was a great book. I also now have a question for my dermatologist based on something I read in the book, so not only was it good to read for catharsis and therapeutic reasons, but it might have led to a medical change for me too. I guess I'll find out in a month, at my next quarterly dermatologist appointment.

New Beginnings

Well, 2013 can't be any worse than 2012, right? I mean, I've already been diagnosed with cancer, and beaten it so far. I just have to hope that I don't get another melanoma. Luckily the results from my last couple biopsies were clear, so yay for that. My next appointment is in February, once I can book it that is. Fingers crossed all looks good. My incision is healing pretty well, and my body hasn't rejected any more of the stitches, so that's a good thing. I just have to keep an eye on my skin evening out, which it still hasn't. So at 6 months I might be making a follow up appointment with my surgeon. We shall see.

In other medical news, I have an appointment with my ophthalmologist for Feb 19. I have had an eye problem for over a year now, and while it's better, my eyes still aren't completely normal, so we shall have to see what he says.

I spent Dec 21-30 in CA, and it was nice to get away from DC for a bit. I'm planning on traveling more in the coming year, and already have some trips to CA planned: my 10 year high school reunion (eek!), Mo's wedding, and of course the holidays next year. I would also love to go somewhere else, but that might have to wait until the following year.

This NYE was kind of a bust, but I am used to that. I always build up NYE in my mind in the hopes that it will be awesome, as it is the holiday I most look forward to, but I have learned to temper my hopes for the most part. This year I was supposed to go to a friend's apartment for a gathering, like last year. But last year I was the only single person left by the time the ball dropped, and I really didn't want to be in that situation again. Plus, it would take an hour to get there by metro, plus an hour to get back, and I'm just not in the mood. I'm also still kind of annoyed with the person hosting. One of my faults is that I can hold a grudge, and I'm just not ready to let this one go. The person hosting the party is one of the people I told about my melanoma pretty soon after my diagnosis, and while she checked in once the day of my surgery, she kind of disappeared after that, and expected me to come to VA if I wanted to hang out. I know she had a new and demanding job, and that she had a boyfriend, now fiance, but if the roles were reversed, I know I would have followed up and been more involved. So I'm still bitter. And I need to get over it. But I'm still mad enough to not go out to VA for the holiday, leaving me in DC. I was planning on hanging out with another friend, but she ended up having plans, so instead its just me, Sammy, and a glass of wine. And you know what? I'm okay with that. What is tonight other than just another night anyway? It would be nice to be with a significant other or with a group of people I want to be with, but I'm okay with my own company as well. And to be honest, after flying back to DC yesterday, I'm kind of worn out as it is.

Here is to 2013 being a better year than 2012, and to pushing myself further than before to get out there and do more.

P.S. One of these days I want to be in Sydney for NYE. It looks freaking amazing.