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doubt

for some reason, lately i have just been feeling out of sorts and doubting everything that i have planned with my life. granted, there is not much that has been planned, but the doubt is still there.
i am doubting my choice of coming to dc, my choice of going to grad school, my school specifically, my choice of major, my choice of internship, the list goes on. i envy those people who know what they want to do and what they need to do to get there. i used to think i was one of those people, but it turns out that i am not. even now, a semester in to grad school, i have no idea what i want to do. and if i do things like i want, i will be done with school in less than a year. what then? at this point, i have no idea.
school is stressing me out because i have to come up with three paper topics, and i have no idea what i want to focus on. i miss the days of guidance, where you were told exactly what area you had to focus on. yes, there were grumbles, but there was never any confusion. i have all of these ideas and no idea of how to implement them, or if i even should.
my internship is stressing me out because it hasnt started yet. they are still doing the background check. this is annoying because at this point, when am i going to start? and if i do start immediately after the check is done, how long will it last? i cant get credit for it anymore because it is past the deadline. i almost want to put it off and ask to start in the summer or fall, but that would be insane, right?
because i couldnt sign up for the internship for credit since i hadnt actually begun it, i had to add another class. this is a weekend class which i think will be fine, but who knows. what i do know is that i need to start reading for it soon, because it is goign to be coming up sooner rather than later.
the big question is whether or not i can handle the 3 graduate level classes and a full time job. at this point, i really dont know. i think i can, but what do i know, lol.
money is also an issue that is strssing me out. i feel better than i did last year as i have access to my savings now, but i dont really want to touch it. i am working on the weekends at gap, but its not enough to live on. i dont really go out much, and i havent allowed myself to buy any books for about a month now. but food and utilities are expensive, and i want to have some kind of life, so i do go out occasionally. gap doesnt pay enough though to cover it. i think i am going to have to take some money from my savings to buffer my checking account soon, though i really dont want to. then again, what is that money for, anyway. sigh. i wanted it for when i was truly out on my own and my parents arent helping with the rent. i hope that i can keep it, but we shall see.
another issue i have been thinking out a lot lately is boys (go figure). im at a loss. i feel so out of the loop and ridiculous. so many people i know are engaged, married, having kids, or dating seriously. and then there is me. sigh. ive just been feeling lately like none of that will happen to me, and it makes me sad. i hope it isnt a self-fulfilling prophecy, sigh.
anyway, enough venting for now. i guess i just needed to get it all out, so here it is, and now its off to school.

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